America, you made a big-ass mistake

Kris Allen- 1, Adam Lambert- 0.
Homophobia- 1, America actually being a decent country- 0.

The last time I was this angry at an entire group of people was surprisingly, not, the last funnel cake convention- it was when I found out Prop 8. passed in California. I was at the Madonna concert with my best gay and god was I angry (I might have been a little angry already because these old bitches in the bathroom told me I look like Katy Perry).

Why am I so angry now? Adam Lambert lost American Idol.

I've never watched American Idol and I think the model for how this show works is just awful because I just don't fucking trust America with anything. I watched So You Think You Can Dance the first two seasons because people I had danced with were on the show but even their model is more efficient- the judges, the PROFESSIONALS, make the final call.

So why did I start (transiently) watching this season?

At the beginning, one of my friends told me this dude that was in a few Moonlight Ampitheatre (local outdoors theatre) shows years back was on this atrocious excuse of a television program and my exact response was: "oh, cool." After I saw Adam Lambert I remembered which shows he was in and whatnot and my response to him being on the show was: "makes sense. That dude totally rips at singing and shit."

Which is why he should have won.

The sleepy Arkansas cutie Lambert lost to, Kris Allen is barely a year older than me and has a wife and church to go home to. Allen is a Southern amalgamation of Jason Mraz, John Mayer and Jack Johnson, sprinkled with Magic Jesus Dust- in other words, NOTHING SPECIAL. He'd be fun to see in a coffee shop and don't get me wrong, I'd have a face-party like there's no tomorrow and get my hedonistic/satanic corruption on, but at the end of the day, Adam Lambert slaughtered this competition the first time he sang "Mad World" and got a standing ovation from Simon Cowell:



Allen is, again, cute but does not posess the control or range that Lambert does, not to mention every time Lambert performs, it is a PERFORMANCE. Yeah, Allen, you're a sad guy with an accoustic guitar. I haven't seen you before. Weird. This is American Idol, not Coffee Shop Idol.



Even better yet, the episode that I did watch (Tuesday's) the boys had to sing the same god-awful song co-penned by Idol judge Kara DioGuardi:





Allen's rendition is pitchy and boring- admittedly the song is too high for him, but still. This is the damn finale, put your fucking head down and open your vocal cords you fool. Even I know that.

So why did Allen really win?

Hint, hint:


I'm not kidding, this is the kind of shit plaguing the youtube comments, first page- I didn't even have to look for these gems!

I seriously feel like I'm living in Idiocracy sometimes. At first I thought it was the bored teenage girls in the midwest whose oversaturation with sex in the media drove them to voting for who would be better at breeding but then OH WAIT I figured it out, Lambert's gay. Thanks for reminding us, O'Reilly.

I usually turn to the Huffington Post to tell me what I already know and thank god they're all up in arms about it, with headlines like "Adam Lambert Loses, Homophobia Wins," "Why Adam Lambert's Loss is a Red State Victory" and even "Gingrich Demands Cowell To Step Down After Lambert's Loss" [sic].

Seriously, y'all, even Newt Gingrich is pissed. I think Jim David of the Huffington Post said it best, when he mused the following: "If the contestants had zero backstory, Lambert would have decimated the competition. Instead, Allen's Christianity, church roots and corn-fed wife were exploited, as were Lambert's musical theatre roots (i.e. his 'theatre fag' history). He didn't say a word about his sexuality, but didn't need to."

Fuck this, I'm gonna go put peanut butter on a waffle and watch Reno 911!

'stina


p.s. the new Sunset Rubdown album, Dragonslayer is EPIC.